Every year, I feel that Easter and Christmas come and go before I have the chance to really contemplate their message. Even if Christmas has about two months advanced notice because the stores start selling ornaments and gifts, and playing music, I still feel like I don't have time to think about God's gift. But I still find my heart is so far from celebrating Christ when I finally get a chance to be still.
This lent almost started without me, but I caught it just in time and decided to start a fast in conjunction with the 40 days leading up to Easter. I decided quickly that I would do a vegan fast because it's easily defined and yet a challenge. So I'm giving up meat, dairy, eggs, honey, and other animal products to give me space to thank God for his work in my life, and to remember him each time I eat. I'm about two weeks into it, and there have been highs and lows.
First off, I'm not always excited about having to eat lentils, again. Meat and cheese are a big part of my favourite meals, and I always dreaded eating chickpeas as my family would eat them too much during certain low times of my life. So sometimes I resent having to eat what I can find that is vegan. However, I have found some new recipes and some favourites! I am looking forward to more times of remembering that God is my all in all, and following Jesus to His ultimate sacrifice.
Beyond the food, I have been blessed with other things coinciding with this fast. The leadership at my church has started studying silence and solitude, which has been a great experience for me. Although sitting in God's presence in silence wasn't new to me, it's proven to be a challenge to engage in regularly and persistently, and is much needed as I have been recovering from a break-down and busyness. We have been doing contemplative prayers through passages in the Bible that speak of God's love, his peace, and his rest.
These practices are great, and I can really feel my heart being renewed. The problem is that it also exposes the bitterness, fear, and laziness that lie in my heart. So often, I crave something exciting and tangible; I am afraid to be not enough, or unsatisfied; and I have unmet needs or wounds that remain. But when I quiet myself and read God's word, and listen - even if nothing is heard in my heart, I have been renewed by the action of waiting on God.
Another pit-fall is if I try to squeeze it in, between other urgent activities. I don't give my mind the time to rest and I cannot enter into the timelessness of waiting on God. And this is prevalent in a barista/volunteer/tutor's schedule, when everything is always topsy-turvy. If I do this, I end up just going through the actions and miss-out on the blessings.
Sometimes, regret and guilt linger if I don't deal with my sin as I ought. This means that I don't choose to repent from my sin, and choose to believe that it is gone and I am justified, just-as-if I'd never sinned. This regret can really impair entering into the presence of God. Instead I busy myself with other things I've been "meaning to do". And suddenly, all of the hours of the day are gone. All it would have taken was a few minutes of decisive, concerted prayer and a rest in the assurance of God's promises and Christ's sacrifice. And then the remaining hours could have been spent in a joyful, approved unto God, real sense of God's love.
Eventually someone who loves me enters into my grim presence and inquires after my day. They are usually met with a curt, vague reply. Lovingly, they press in and find me undone. Tears flow, and I find myself broken in front of the Lord. I wish I wasn't so proud, to waste a whole day on this flesh-centered, stone-hearted flight from the One who knows me perfectly.
"Come home to your Father"
Under it all, all the lies, and secrets, and regrets is a deep need to be loved and accepted. Just raw, broken, in tears I give in and admit that I am not ok.
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