Over the
past five years I have had many close friends get into serious relationships,
get married, and some of them have young children now. Through this God has
really helped me to see His amazing plan for relationships, intimacy and
vulnerability. What might once have been an immature, glorified and
rose-coloured-glasses view of marriage has become much more realistic and
biblical.
But there
was still this lie that I believed, that I would attain all of my dreams when I
got married. So I was reflecting
on this thought and wondering where I picked it up along my life.
I
remembered my mom would often say, “when you get married” as a timeline for
things in the far future. Like if I was asking about having my own house (at 5
years old), she would say, “You will have your own house when you grow up and
get married”.
And
somewhere along the way, a combination of culture, words that stuck and a
desire for love gave me the message that I would be grown up, when and only if
I got married. And marriage became an idol.
As a
graduate, with a debt and a minimum wage job, it was impossible to set up an
apartment to feel like a home. I didn’t have the income to buy nice looking
(and maybe even matching) sofas, bookcases, or entertainment units; nice paint,
and artwork for the walls were things of dreams. I have such a heart for
hosting and blessing others in my home, but with my lack of a career and a home
it felt that this had to be put on hold. It felt like it would be so much
easier if I was married, to be given the resources to host.
I have
loved kids since I was a kid. I have always had a knack for understanding
children, and had a passion for childcare. I have now been the Children’s
Ministry Coordinator at my church for about 3 years. I have such a deep desire
to have my own children, and at times it seems cruel that I am not a mother.
I
recognized after University that it was by God’s grace and His sovereign will
that I had never been in a serious relationship, and I often see how God has
saved me from some potentially bad relationship choices. If I had gotten into a
serious relationship, while believing that marriage would solve all of my
problems and unfulfilled dreams – an idol - I think I would have an unhealthy
relationship at best.
Last week,
as I was praying that God would be primary, even as I was hoping for a
relationship, I got an image of God and I walking throughout my life. Then I
saw other things being introduced, and remembered that any good thing that God
would use to bless me would be secondary. Be it a career, friendships, or
marriage – it would be a tag-on, an addition, a blessing that flows out of
God’s love for me.
As I look
around me, my desire to serve others through hosting has been met through
providential provision of furnishings and decorations for my apartment that was
totally not my doing: a customer at work offered my her entertainment shelving;
neighbours were throwing out shelving that fits perfectly; friends left the
walls beautifully painted as they left; friends have given artwork for the
walls. He has also provided friends who love to be hosted!
And my
desire for children makes me a more dutiful ‘auntie’ to my friends’ dear
youngsters, and more passionate minister to the children at church.
I think that growing up is a mater of
maturity and good stewardship of the gifts God has given me. I mature as I am
transformed into the likeness of Christ, and the woman God has created me to
be. And I am a better steward of His gifts as I use them for His glory. It’s not necessarily based on a
conventional job, my possessions, or my status.
In the end,
I may never own a house, a car, have kids, or maintain a conventional career.
But my success is wrapped up in my relationship to God and obedience to Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment